My name is Holly and I’m the senior marketing manager at the football club and I’m in this video and this campaign today because when I was seven I lost my dad to suicide.
It was November 6, 1999, and we’d gone over to my uncle’s house to celebrate bonfire night and for some reason my dad just didn’t come home.
At the time, it didn’t feel strange. We just went and we had a good time and I remember my mum called him to pick us up and he didn’t answer, so we got dropped off by my uncle and when we got in all the lights were on and after that everything is a bit of a blur.
I remember my mum going upstairs and being on the phone to an ambulance about what to do to cut him down and bring him to safety. After that, everything in life just changed in the blink of an eye.
Norwich was his boyhood club and it meant everything to him to be able to support his team. He was a season ticket holder and I think the biggest memory for me is that he used to try and get me to come to the football and I was always adamant that I wasn’t going, which looking back now is quite funny because I’m at the stadium every day, but I think that was why it was so important for me to be a part of this campaign because he would be so proud of me, not only working at his boyhood club, but also advocating for mental health.
As I grew up and got older, I found it really difficult to accept kind of what he’d done and what had happened and I almost found him selfish for wanting to leave us, but I think as you get older and you battle your own demons and your own stigmas, you realise that actually there was no solution for him. That was the only way out.
I think that’s why this is so important, to kind of explain why we need to have mental health support and why mental health needs to be more talked about.
In terms of how it affected us, it literally changed our whole life. I think when you’re really small, you don’t realise how much people are doing things to keep your life as normal as possible, but everything changed.
We were pulled out of school, we moved to my grandma’s, everything was different and everything that you think you have planned is now gone and how do you tell two young girls that they’re not going to see their dad?
The impact it had on everyone around us was just massive. For me and my sister, it was just a case of trying to be as normal as possible. For my mum, my grandparents, my auntie and uncle, my stepdad - everything was about making sure that we were okay and I admire the strength in all of those people who tried to help us live as normal a life as possible, even though this massive thing had happened when not only were we dealing with the struggle, but they were also dealing with their own grief, their own confusion, and also trying to process why they couldn’t have done more to help my dad at the end.
I think for me personally, and I’d probably speak for my sister as well, when I say I’m so grateful for my mum and my grandparents and my auntie and uncle and my stepdad, who made sure that our life was as seamless as possible and have looked after us regardless of anything that we’ve been through.
Although you feel the presence of that person not being there, having those people in my corner really helped make up for that fact, and we’re so lucky to still have such a tight knit family that loves each other so much.
You never, ever get over it, ever. I think you just learn how to cope with it and there are times where there’s big events where it really stings not having him there, but I feel very grateful and very lucky that I have so many friends and family that still let me talk about him and can be open about him.
Also, after a really difficult year in 2018, I self referred to the wellbeing service for Mind and that was the best thing I could have ever done. They were so supportive, I got so much help, so much guidance to a point where I felt like I wanted to do the same and give back and I now volunteer for Mind outside of my normal nine to five job.
I think the saddest part for me about the whole thing outside of actually losing my dad is that I don’t actually think the crisis is any better than what it was 20 something years ago. I think back then it was almost a naughty word. It wasn’t really spoken about. It happened, you dealt with it, you moved on, whereas I think now it’s so important to listen and so important to openly speak about such an important issue, especially in this age bracket where it’s still such an issue.
Male suicide is one of the biggest killers in the UK today. There are so many daily worries that can contribute to this and I just think that without mental health support, so many more people would feel the way that my dad did and that they have no way out.
I think if this campaign can point someone to something that will help them, just one person, then we’ll have done our jobs.
If you need urgent help, visit mind.co.uk for emergency advice.